relationship advice (post new situation)
"i want my ex husband back"
I just recently divorced after 23 yrs of marriage. My husband and i went through a horrible year, on disaster after another, he lost his job, we lost our home, I went through breast cancer and lost a breast, i was angry and took it out on him, he walked out, refused to give me any support for myself and kids, so I filed for divorce, I had no choice, he refused to talk to me.and i cannot work due to the breast cancer surgury. Now I realize i made a mistake and i want him back. Im afraid he's with someone else now. What can I do to get him to miss me and want to come back . He has problems with depression from his childhood and keeps most things bottled up, yet he's very emotional at the same time. He clams up and wont talk if he's upset, other times he blows up over things that dont matter much. But he wont react to anything serious. He never showed up for any court dates or the divorce itself, the judge gave me 50% of his paycheck and he never showed up to fight it. I get the check every week. I think this shows that he still cares otherwise he would of fought it like most men do. We have 5 kids, only one is a minor. After all these years of marriage, is it possible that he can just forget us overnight like that ? He wont speak to any of his kids either. They are angry at him for walking out instead of facing all the problems. I think he was so embarassed over losing his job and ourhome, he was overwhelmed with it, and this is how he handles all his problems, he hides and refuses to deal with it. Any advice on how to get his attention and get him interested would be a big help. Thanks
posted by Tina on 1/9/2008 @12:56:26 AM •
I would try to contact him. If he needs some form of help, perhaps try to get that for him. It is bad to bottle things up, but with depression I can understand why. Perhaps if you manage to talk to him, explain to him that you're sorry. Also try not to let your kids be angry at him for walking out. Depression is a hard thing to deal with.

People learn differently, people are different. I'm going to try and explain what mum told me today, although it was for a different situation but still applies. There's this boy, right? His dad hits his mum, so he's used to controlling, he sees his dad and he is like his Dad, that's what he's been taught, he grows up like that. Then you get someone like me or you, we've grown up differently, so if we were to communicate with him, we'd find him a bit different. It's not because he's strange, it's because he was taught that way. It's like having someone grow up in a city full of murderers who murder people whenever they feel like, and putting them into our society, they'll question which society is the right one, but they'll only know fully how to live by the first city with the murderers.

If he's had depression he thinks differently. Things affect him differently. Try to explain that to your children. It isn't his fault that he walked out, but neither is it yours, we all have bad days, bad years, but communication is a really important key in a relationship.

I say try to talk to him.

Maybe he just doesn't know what to do? I'm only 14 so I understand if you don't listen, but I really think you should try to talk to him. If you could either be a good friend or start to just show you care about him and are sorry, he should realize that.

I really hope this helps. My sympathies for the Breast Cancer. It's a horrible thing to go through.

Good luck.
posted by Cassie-annabel on 1/10/2008
Also, just with the example of the boy whose Dad hits his mum thing, I forgot to add this, sorry.

This boy would be a really nice kid if his dad didn't hit his mum. It's just that he was taught differently that he is different.

Sorry it's a bit dramatic, I couldn't find a way to rephrase.
posted by Cassie-annabel on 1/10/2008

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