relationship advice (post new situation)
"what to do"
ive been with my current boyfriend for more than 7 years now, we started living with each other about 5 years ago. ive always thought that he was really the one for me. he has been with me through everything, and acceptd everything about me. after college i decided to go back to america and start a life here. study, work and try to save up. ive been back here in america for about 5 months now, i petitioned my boyfriend so he could come here and the petition was recently apprvd, all he needs to do is set an appointment for an interview and mdcal examination. so this practically means we are engaged because once he passes everything, we have 90 days to get married here in the US.
Now i need to add, before i left the philippines to come back to america, i have been cheating on my boyfriend for 3 months, and it was with his close friend who also had a girlfriend. before i left everything blew up, everyone found out and everybody decided that talking to me is something they will stop. they told my boyfriend not to talk to me either. but just a day after the whole mess, he asked me to come to his house so we could talk. he said to me that he wants to forget everything and just think about the future. he said he wants to start the dreams that we have been planning. so thats why i decided to come back here in america, to work hard for our future. i tried my best to remain loyal to him while i was here in america, i would go out with other guys, but it was just friendly dates. when i moved to new york from california, because of a job offering, everything seemed to be going so well. the wedding planning was happening, and petition was moving. i was real happy with the changes i had made with the way i was handling our relationship. i didnt really entertain guys that wer flirting and i just did my best to stay loyal.
when i first started working, i think it was the first week. i noticed this guy from housekeeping. i noticed him because he looked a lot like the guy i was with wen i was cheating on my boyfriend. all i do was look at him and say hi. just like how i do to all the other employees. i wanted to keep it equal because i dont want to think that im feeling something for him. i paid him no attention especially when i found out he was married, and his wife was also working where we worked. that all happened about four months ago.
two weeks ago, that same guy started acting different wen he would see me. i mean i noticed him before always looking at me, but this time it was different. he was not just looking at me, he was staring at me. every move i made, i felt his eyes followng. so it brought back i guess the "little crush" i had wen i first saw him. Last, Last wednsday he was working on the same floor as me. and wen i went to my office, he follwd me and knockd. when i opend the door, he asked me wat time i gt off work and if he could have my number. i know i should have said no, first because he was married and plus im engaged. but still, i gave it to him. and wen i did, i felt so happy and surprised. that night he called me and said if he could come over so we could talk. and i said yes, we talked inside his car and there he told me everything, he told me that the first time he saw me he wanted to approach me but didnt know how to cause he was scared. he practically descrbed the feeling of experiencing love at first site. and then i opened it up, i said, arent u married. and he admitted it to me, obviously they were having problms, he claims it has been more than a year now. and he said to me, if it werent for the child support he would have left his wife already. this guy works 3 jobs, so wen he told me about his reason for not divorcing his wife. i understood. i do believe that child support could kill ur effort to survive here in america. so after that night we started seeing each other almost everyday. we would talk about everything, and he would tell me everything he was feeling. he said he wanted to be with me no matter wat, meaning if it meant hiding it would be fine with him for as long as he was with me. some of the things he said i felt were too soon to say, but he told me that i didnt have to believe him, he was just saying wat he really felt. this guy was real sweet to me, not only verbally but physically too. he was showy and caring. he didnt like talking about his wife unless its about how there is no connection between with them. days have passed and i slowly felt like im starting to like this guy a lot. and i started telling him little by little. and then i found myself asking him to leave his wife for me and in exchange i will not get married and also cancel the petition. he told me it isnt that easy, he said although he wants to be with me, he cant rush those things because those things take time.
i started avoiding my boyfriend's phone calls so he would suspect the change of my mood wen we talk. but a few days ago, he told me that there were problms with the wedding and the petition. financial problms, and when i found that out, it made me want to be with this other guy more. i was so sick of dealing with my boyfriend's financial problms. and wen i thought that i didnt have to deal with them we go again. i told myself, now i do think its time to end it wth him. no wedding no petition. but then, 3 days ago my boyfriend starts calling apologizing for the mistakes he has done in the past that let this happen. he told me that he will do all he can do to find money for the petition and wedding. he promised me that all he wanted to do was be with him, even if it was in hell. he said that he couldnt bare to loose me. this made everything more difficult. at first i didnt know how to tell him i didnt want to be with him anymore. but now, i dont know if i dont want to be with him anymore.

so now im left with this problm: i have my long time boyfriend who is in another country waiting to be with me for the rest of his life. he has been nothing but loyal and loving.
at the same time, i have this new guy who is married but still treats me like his one and only and whom i feel such great chemistry with. a guy so sweet i find our time together literally unbelievable because i never thought someone could treat me the way he does.

i have feelings for them both, sometimes i feel like i should take my chances with this married guy that one day he will have enough money to leave his wife and be with me. with him i believe i can learn to be more patient and independent.
but then sometimes i feel like, why not be with the guy that knows u inside out and you can have all to yourself, but with little bit more sacrifice and assurance.
posted by nikki on 10/10/2009 @10:30:20 PM •
Sorry my dear,
but to me it looks a lot like you don't really know what you want.
In that case I suggest you should quit both. First going for a married man is just wrong. Of course he says he's not happy. All married men say that if they want to hook up with another girl.
have you ever seen him with his wife? That would show you that he will not leave her for you.
Second, your long time boyfriend. you should be honest with him. A marriage with these problems to begin with is never gonna work. And in my opinion you don't truely love him. Try to break all off, do something else and be yourself and try to sort your love life.
And always always be honest to the people who love you.
posted by Fred on 10/23/2009

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