family advice (post new situation)
"Sister has gone insane."
My sister, Kelly, and I have a very close relationship. She is 44 and I am 41, our parents are deceased and we are all that we have left of our family. Because of this we have depended on each other for a very long time for emotional support. I am married, with three kids under 12 and she is recently divorced (in the last 12 months) with two children under 10. My husband, Scott and I have "been there" for her, in every way we possibly can, from late night phone calls, trips to see her and to help out with the maintenance of her home, and even inviting her to spend Thanksgiving with my husband's extended family (when she was going to be alone due to her custody agreement). She had a very difficult divorce, but handled it very well, it's important to mention that the reason for the dissolution of the marriage was that he cheated on her.

3 months after the divorce was final, my sister reconnected with a man on Facebook that she knew 25 years ago. They had dated for about 2 months and then he moved away; she subsequently left for college. They had very limited contact for a couple of years and then nothing up until now. He is married and has five children. They began a phone / text relationship, which quickly developed into what my sister says is a deep love. He has filed for divorce this week, after 23 years with his wife, to be with my sister. Yes, 3 weeks before Christmas, so there's that. Within 3 days of serving papers to his wife, he was on a plane to see Kelly and spend the weekend in her home, while her kids were with their father. She says they are deeply in love, and now he is part of the family, etc. I have not condoned, supported or in anyway approved of what she's doing. She has heard it straight from both my husband and myself that what she's doing is wrong.

So that is the background to the situation. My family has recently moved across country for my husband's job, 1000 miles away from Kelly and her children, Alice and Emily. It has been a very difficult time for us, with a lot of stress for my kids, on my husband and I for the financial strain and because our youngest child has a disability. But it was something we had to do. Kelly had planned to bring her children to see us the day after Christmas and stay for a week. My husband and I made hotel reservations for all of us to stay at an amusement park in our area on New Year's Eve. I arranged a private tour for the kids at that park, and two other outings. The 5 kids have a very close knit relationship and we have been very excited to see the cousins. I have talked to my kids about how Alice and Emily have had a difficult year, with their parent's divorce, and how we need to hug them and tell them how important they are to us, etc.

An important aspect of the situation is that I have refused all contact with this man, whose name is Greg. She has tried to get me to speak to him, and he has called me 3 times and left messages. I don't like him and I don't trust him, I just don't. I think he is a terrible person and I can't see myself being his friend. What he has done to his family is horrible, and what he is doing to mine and my sister's relationship is, perhaps nowhere near what he's done to his family, but from my perspective - hurtful.

Last week, on Monday, 19 days before my sister and her children were set to arrive, she texted me and informed me that her new boyfriend would be joining them for the trip. She also told me, by text mind you, that they would only be seeing us for 2 days, instead of the planned 6, and then be spending the other 4 with him. I can't even begin to describe the pain, hurt and anger this has caused. I am completely devastated by my sister's treatment of me and my family. We have had to cancel our plans that we had made and lost the deposit, we have had to explain to our kids what she has done and they are hurting. I have no idea why she is doing this to us. Perhaps she is trying to manipulate my husband and I into being around this man? She's angry that I haven't accepted this new relationship. We don't know him, he could be a child molester, or a serial killer. I'm not letting this person around my kids under any circumstances. I feel my sister has gone insane. She is not thinking of anyone but herself, and is doing so at the detriment of me, and my family; even her own children seem to be less important than what she wants.

I have no idea what to do. We have not spoken, I feel that she is pushing me away, and that I should let her. Friends have advised me to tell her that we won't be seeing her. We have been invited to three other places, out of state, so that we have something to do. Everyone that I've told this story to has been shocked and appalled. But this is my sister, and we are all that we have left, and those girls need me to be the one stable person in their lives. I feel guilty that I trusted her and now, because of that, she has been able to hurt my kids. I am totally lost. I truly need advice.

Thank you,

posted by Kerri (age 41) on 12/14/2010 @1:54:04 PM •
* no advice has been shared.

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