family advice (post new situation)
"my daughter of 20years"
daughter has a new boy friend. it seems that they like each other. she has taken it upon herself to be with him most of the time. she asked permission to spend the night at his house (both of his parents allowed this). I told her that this was not acceptable and that she can be home later than her set time. it is now the 2nd of january and she has not come home. she stopped by to pickup clothes and left back to his house. i don't want to make things worse by kicking her out, taking the car away, disconnecting her cell phone, etc. But she need to see what she is really doing to her family (4 siblings and her) me and her mother. my heart is hurting, i thought i had done a better job but i guess i a failed. please give me a few answers or she me the light.... sincerely
posted by joe (age 49) on 1/2/2011 @11:27:39 PM •
Joe, I hope she has come home by now. If not - here's my advice...

I went through a similar situation (being the daughter). I was a really good kid - no trouble, good grades, and always tried to live up to my parent's expectations. I was never a wild, rebellious person. Then I turned 20 and found Mr. Right...He was amazing and everything that I wanted in a boyfriend (now husband), but the opposite of what my parents wanted for me (or so they thought...). I began staying out until the wee hours of the morning and spending every waking hour (besides school or work time) with him. Since this was my first serious boyfriend, my parents were very concerned.

What was I doing? Who was this man? Why didn't I want to be with my family?

Honestly, I just wanted to be with him. There wasn't anything shady or bad going on, but my family didn't know that nor would they listen when I tried to tell them. So what happened? They became really angry and pushed me away; even nearly forcing me to move out. All this did was make my boyfriend and me become much, much closer. My family became so distant that I felt I had no family whatsoever. By acting concerned, what they did was push me away. This lasted for nearly two years. Their own plan to try to 'tame' me backfired and pushed me away. All they wanted was the original Jess back, but instead forced me to move out, pay for my own stuff, etc..

So, I tell you my story to say this: don't push her away. As hard as it seems, try your hardest to understand instead. Show interest in them both. Have them to your house for dinner. Try to get to know the boyfriend. The very worse thing that can come from that is knowledge of the person she's with most. How can that be bad? If you show effort, she'll be much more likely to come around to the idea that family and boyfriends can coexist. Just let her know that nothing she does will keep you guys from wanting to take care of her and love her. I know letting her have her way seems like too much, but don't push back too much...or you may push her away completely. I know this is not at all what you want to hear, but just give it a shot. And don't ever think you failed. It has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with Mr. Right (or Mr. Right Now). She just needs to spread her wings a little.
posted by jess (age 24) on 1/3/2011

  [ disclaimer ] [ sign in ] [ contact us ] [ search ]
please take reasonable measures to protect your safety and privacy when posting situations or advice or participating in an exchange. read more... © word of advice, & powered by simplifyit. site map.