life advice (post new situation)
"Pregnant & Lost"
I've been married for almost 16 years. We have had some great times and some bad times. My husband has a gambling addiction that he's been battling for 12 + years. Last August was the biggest and most damaging to our marriage. After going through this three times prior, I knew I needed to ask him to leave. He moved out. In the time he was gone, I unexpectedly met another man. A man who is good and sweet. I feel in love with him. Hard. I have never felt like this, ever. Around Christmas I was feeling bad and sorry for my husband and said he could back to our home, but it does not mean we are back together. The other man knows everything about my marriage and about me letting my husband move back in. My husband knows nothing about the other man. My husband and I get along. He loves and wants our marriage to work. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. He is all I've known for 18 years. I'm scared to walk away completely. And the other man and I have amazing "plans" when it comes to our future together. But why am I still here? I don't know. I have had sex with my husband while with this other man (who is unaware of this) and here I am pregnant. I'm about six weeks. My second time being pregnant. I had a miscarriage 20 years ago. I know it's the other man's baby because my husband and I have never used protection, and in 18 years we have never conceived. The other man is the only one who knows this. No one in my family or my circle of friends know about this man. My mother, whom I super close to, has no idea. I have been living two lives for the past year. I have become a liar. I do not recognize myself. I could not be more ashamed or embarrassed. When I found about the pregnancy, my first thought was abortion. I do not believe in abortion. Never have. I had numerous friends who have, and I never passed harsh judgment on them, I just always knew it would never be a thought in my brain. And here I am also, a hypocrite. The other man does not want me to have one. He wants me to move in with him and we raise the baby together. This means, I would have to come clean to everyone... everyone. I am terrified. I know I should know better. I'm old enough, right? Right. What I'm asking is for advise on what to do. I don't think there is a simple answer. Or an easy way. I just need advice. And yes I know by attacking my character and the wrong choices I have made are expected. And I will not disagree with you. I am a women who has made really crappy choices. I am just a human who needs someone to try to understand.....
posted by Gemma (age 38) on 6/28/2011 @1:05:24 AM •
No one needs to tear you apart. You have done more of that than any outsider should. And you aren't looking for that...You just need some help. Here's what I think - it may seem hopeless now, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel. If I were you, I'd put the idea of an abortion out of my head. If there's so much pain and anguish with the thought of keeping the baby, imagine the burden of knowing the other outcome. That seems like too much of a short-term fix, and would be one that would haunt you (especially if you know the pain of unintentionally losing a baby). So, what is there to do going forward? Stop criticizing yourself and put the facts in front of you. You have to do this to make clear, rational decisions. You are in a marriage that is rocky, right? And one you stay (it sounds like anyway...) because it is comfortable. Not to say you don't love your husband in one way or another, but just try to separate love from comfort. Which is it that makes you stay? If it is love, he'll come around. Any addiction is the same as an affair, so he should be able to identify with that. The only difference is yours was with a man, his was with gambling. They are both emotional and require the same amount of attention and devotion. If, however, you are staying because it's simply comfortable, I donít think you should stay. Comfort is never a good reason to choose a life path. Life's hard. And no matter which choice you take, it's going to be difficult. Just remember that you are: smart, even though you made some bad decisions, you know they weren't the best and are trying to make things right again; loving, because you have a heart and want to do what's right by everyone; full of humility, and that's what will get you through. Don't lose sight of the real you. Just because you can't see her now, doesn't mean she's not shining through. I don't even know you, and I feel so much for you. We're all human and we all make mistakes. It's okay. What makes you different from SO many people is your ability to say, "Hey, I messed up and I'm really sorry". That's admirable. So when you think no one cares, you have one stranger who does. I'll be praying for you and hoping for nothing but good things for you. You are a strong lady. You can do it.
posted by mindy on 6/28/2011

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