relationship advice (post new situation)
"My boyfriend is trying to change me"
I need some advice, please help?

So my boyfriend and father of my child is in gail. And since being in there he's became all about god. But to me he's taking it to far and I know that doesn't sound good on my part but here's why I feel this way. He want's to be a youth pastor, he doesn't want to read his fav. book's, or watch his fav. movie's, he doesn't want to listen to any of his fav. music, he doesn't want to drink, or smoke, and he doesn't want to use any bad language. Not even S.h.i.t.

So i've been trying to deal with all of that and be supportive but he now want's me not to do any of those thing's also. And here's the hard thing about that I didn't grow up like that. I didn't go to church. My family only talked about god when there was something wrong. And now he wants me to go to chruch every sunday (which I'm okay with). And he want's me to read the bible (don't really want to). But as to me not watching what I want or listening to the music I want and as much as this mite sound mad not using bad language (that even mean's s.h.i.t., a.s.s., ect.). I can't do it. That's not me.

I've already changed so much about myself for this man. I really don't get why he think's I need to change anymore. It's like he doesn't even want me. It's like he want's this perfect lil chruch girl. And as much as he want's me to be that and even as much as I would like to be that for him. That's never going to be me.

I just don't know what to do. I feel bad for feeling this way. I feel bad for not being able to be what he want's me to be. But really am I wrong? I really need someone to tell me what should I do?
posted by Danielle (age 19) on 10/3/2012 @11:31:03 PM •
Hey Danielle, this is a tricky situation that involves a lot of unmet expectations on both sides. I'm sorry you're experiencing discomfort, as seems normal in a situation like yours, I do have a few recommendations.

1) Judge for yourself if your boyfriend's goals are good, not his individual actions. He might say he's trying to be more "godly", "loving", "kind", "holy" and live a certain way. But you can't change everything overnight. His actions won't always live up to his goals, so it can be confusing knowing who he really is trying to become. Just figure out what his goals are in the whole thing. What's he trying to do? -not: what does it seem like he's doing? ~what expectations is he trying meet?

2) Judge for yourself if the way you've been living this whole time is the right way to live.

Anymore questions, just send a reply.
posted by Kent Corbin (age 18) on 10/7/2012
you said it's not you....he wants you to change. If he cannot accept you for who you are and who you want to be you need to move on. If he has changed it was because he wanted to. if you try to change for him you will end up becoming bitter towards him and blaming him for any unhappiness. the only way to get someone to change is when they are ready to make a change. You hear this all the time about addicts, they wont change until they are ready to, you can't force it. You seem intelligent and it is your life to live the way you want. be true to yourself. besides there are several kinds of "religions" who is to say you are not religious in your own way. Never change for a person other than yourself, after all no one knows what the "true" religion is or even if there is one! If it was me I would send him a pentagram and tell him "yeah, let's do this one!" but I have a sick sense of humor.
posted by susan on 10/18/2012

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