family advice (post new situation)
My fiancÚ and I have been together for almost 2 years. We dated once before that for 6 months. Long story short on the 6 months (we broke up because I didn't think he was mature enough for a relationship with me). Gave it a year and I feel like a lot had changed. He seemed to be more mature, stopped smoking weed (which is a big NO in my book), was kind, helpful and made me happy. He proposed and shortly after we got pregnant with our first child. He was born May last year. But it seems, through the pregnancy and to now, almost a year after my son was born we have been having issues. He has no complaints, but I have a list a mile long. He hasn't stopped his drinking, which never gets too out of hand but he has had 2 DUI's prier and I want him to stop doing it as much. We have a son to be concerned about now. He just doesn't register that. He drinks every weekend and sometimes has a few on the week days. I just wish he would want to spend the money he spends on a case of beer on our son. Take him somewhere fun on the weekends. I've talked to him about this before, but still every weekend, without missing a beat a case of beer still gets purchased and in my fridge every weekend. And I'm not trying to say he is a bad dad. He is a GREAT dad. He plays with our son Grayson, buys things for him, feeds, changes and bathes him when I ask. And that's why it has been so hard for me to stay mad. But I am doing all of the cleaning (he helps sometimes but only if he gets a wild hair or I argue with him about helping me), I cook dinner, I work a full time job, I pick my son up from daycare, I pay most of the bills (the big ones), I pay the rent (a hefty $750). For once I would like to be taken care of a little bit. And no matter how many times I say it.. nothing changes. He will do what I asked for a week and then he only helps when he "feels" like it. I never "feel" like cleaning all day but I do. I never "feel" like waking up with my son on the weekends at 6 AM but I do. Even during the week days, I wake up at 5:30 to try and get myself, my son and if I have time the house a little bit more clean before work. And he will sleep in till 6, or sleep through the alarm until I wake him for work. When I was on maternity leave (and forced to move out of our apartment and in with my parents because we couldn't afford it on just HIS paycheck) I never was pampered. I was expected to lift what I could (9 months pregnant) to move into my parents house. I had a terrible experience there because my parents would complain about him not helping me or them around the house, or filling his plate so full at dinner that there was hardly anything else for anyone else (they let us live there and fed us all free of charge), and what little pay check he had I hardly saw any of it. I got maybe 20 dollars a week from him because he had to pay off his loan, or his DUI classes or the court or gas to drive to work. And he acted like the little amount of time I was out of work was a century. And now he is making a little bit more money, finally but it's gone in a blink of an eye.

The thing that makes this all so hard is we have a son together, I would never take away all of his rights. Never. I have tried to make this work for a long time now, and I am just exhausted from trying. He tries his hardest to make me happy and there is no doubt that he loves me and our son but when is enough enough?
posted by SED on 3/25/2014 @10:16:33 AM •
I'm so sorry you have to be going through this and this isn't the advice you're looking for but honestly there is only one way to fix this, talk to him about it. You need to let him know what you're feeling. Maybe one night after you out your son to bed, talk to him and let him know how you feel and that you know he loves you and that you love him and that you've been stressed out lately and you need him to support and help you.

As for the cleaning problem, this is for little kids but if it comes down to it, make a chore chart of all the things both of you need to be responsible for. Start with little jobs like having him set the table before dinner, pack your sons lunch, do the dishes, and eventually he will become more responsible and be able to do greater things for you.

As for the money, make a budget for your family on how much each of you can spend on certain things. Maybe one way to fix the drinking problem is to limit him to a certain amount of money he can spend on alcohol each month and slowly lower that amount until he doesn't even notice that he hasn't had a beer in weeks.

I wish the best of luck to you and your family and I hope that this advice helped. You have to be patient and give this time and eventually everything will fall into place.
posted by Carleigh on 4/19/2014

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