relationship advice (post new situation)
"Complicated Love"
My BF and I dated and then moved our families in together. I have 1 girl full time & he had 2 girls 50% of the time. We were highschool sweethearts for a time and rekindled in out mid -30's. After 3 years of ups and downs due to very busy lives, money and his ex wife, i moved out when he said he was done with the chaos of our life. When its just us we are great. His kids and ex wife put a lot od strain at the time. The girls were 4 & 6 years old where mine was 12yrs old. His kids were a lot more work and i was there for them. after 3 months we started talking again because he realized it was not my doing that was making things hard but him. having his kids by himself and doing everything himself, he understood what i did for him and for his girls. We started dating casually because i wanted to make sure we didnt rush back into things. we were free to date others. After about 6 months of being apart, we agreed we loved eachother and wanted to move forward. get married, move in again and things were much better. Then the bombshell hit. a girl he dated was pregnant. he told me when he found out. Due to medical problems he had been told by Dr's he cannot have more children unless it was thru IVF. we had been trying ourselves the whole time we have been together. We stayed together thru this time but put our plans on hold. This was very hard on me. This is the man I love. This was my dream of having a child with him and now she is getting to? We have been fighting to get confirmation of the childs paternity and now the child is 1 yr old and it is his. The women has been upfront that she wants him to be there for her and the child. She has 3 other kids and she is apparently in love with hi. he has made is clear he wont be there for her but has mixed emotions on the child. He didnt want this child with her and does not want to be apart of her life. he feels obligated because of the child. i have made my feelings clear that I love his girls and will continue my stepmom role with them but will not start over with this baby. My child is now almosr off to college and his are preteens. If I wanted to start over I am only willing for our natural child. I know this puts him in a hard place morally. I have told him he can move on and find someone that will accept this child. he says it will hurt his girls in the long rum because then they lose me who has been there for them even when i when we were apart. i didnt stop seeing them. I cannot accept the child as it will be life altering for me. It is hard enough to raise your own and more difficult to raise others. a lot has to do with the fact i dont want to take care of a baby thats not mine. I still had hopes that i will have my own and that is what he wants. This is so dificult. i dont hate the child i just dont want to raise it.
posted by Lisa (age 40) on 9/17/2015 @1:38:02 PM •
I don't think I could raise the child either. It isn't the child that is the problem it is who he chose to be it's mom. I understand that you weren't together at the time but the fact is that he slept with someone else even after you showed him that you could be there for him and his girls and he still slept with someone else.
I couldn't do it, and I love kids! I think that is just too much expected of you.
I know the baby needs a Dad and he owes that kid that much. He needs to figure out a way to be a dad and not expect you to be any form of a mom to the child.
posted by den (age 35) on 9/24/2015

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