life advice (post new situation)
 
 
"Molester for 6 years..."
 
When I was about 7 years old my one and only brother who was 10 began to molest me. It stopped one I was 13 and it was one and off. I never told anyone until I was 15 because I felt that what was happening was all my fault and that there was nothing I could do about it. I feel that if I would have told that I would either be called a liar or that everyone would blame me. It still bothers me to this day. Not too many people know what happened. I think it has effected my relationship with my man and thats why we had such a crappy relationship. Especially when it came to sex. It was just weird. What should I do?
 
posted by Lynn (age 19) on 3/10/2008 @11:27:46 PM •
 
Lynn,
I too was molested during childhood. It started when I was 8 and stopped by the time I was 13, he was then 18 and free to go where he wanted. So he left.

I am now a gay male and am very comfortable with my sexuality. I had a rough time a while back and allowed things to bother me more than I should've let them. My biggest downfalls though while growing up, and something I still overcome, was/is feeling like its my fault all the time, regardless of what the situation is.

The molesting still affects my sex life, that coupled with the neo-christian ways of The Jehovah's witness. I was raised as one and have now been removed from the church. My parents always made it seem like sex was in-human... when in all reality, thats what god made Adam for was it not? To procreate? lol

anyway..

When you say "...and thats why we HaD such a crappy relationship". Does this imply that the relationship is over? And if it does, why do you feel it's over? What caused you to feel that way?


I understand the "weird" factor though... sometimes its hard for me not to think of those times every time I speak with my brother.
We're good friends now. And I don't hold anything against him. Of all people I feel I understand him the most.

Maybe thats what you should do. Go to your brother. Talk to him. Get it out in the open (in private of course) but just between you two. As long as he's a mature adult now with wise mindset, it may help him a tremendous amount by you approaching him about it.

Plus, there's alot of psychology that goes on in a persons head when something like what you went through happens. Just how its affected you so much, it has most likely had an equal or opposite reaction on him as well.

So talk to him. Make a cup of coffee. Sit down, just the two of you. ( you may want to make a public place where you may still have privacy, that way things have a better chance of staying decent between you two.)

Good luck!
Ciao
 
posted by sam (age 18) on 3/11/2008
 
The first thing you need to do, like Sam pointed out, is talk with your brother about this. The best solution to confronting any problem or issue, is to confront the source. If he's a mature adult, and is more respectable, then he will understand what you are going through. Maybe he'll feel remorse for what he did. Being your brother, he'd better. But don't let in stay in the dark forever. If you don't confront the issue at hand, head on, then it'll stay a problem for a long time.

Second, you can't let what happened to you in the past, affect your relationship in the present. Feel free to talk with your boyfriend, if your both still dating, about what has happened to you. He'll understand, and be more of help then you can imagine. You can't be afraid that people will blame you, or be called a liar, but it's not like that. I know it can feel that way.

Personally, I've done stupid things in my life, where I felt everyone would be against me, but I was wrong. Instead, it's your friends and family that make all the difference when you talk with them. When you keep these things deep down within you, it's hard to defeat them, and the longer you hold it down, the harder it becomes.
 
posted by Jon the Mase (age 17) on 3/11/2008
 
Lynn,
I am sorry to hear about this. You have gone through something that never should happen to anyone. Unfortunatly you are not the only one this has happened to. (Sam) So you are not alone.

The main thing that you need to know is that it definatly is not your fault. It was your brothers choice to do that to you. Both Sam and Jon are right in the sense that you need to talk to your brother.

The thing that will open him up to talk about this situation will be to see what caused him to do this. The only way that you can get the true answer is to beat around the bush. This way he wont go on the defensive on the spot. Find out about his confidence with his relationships with girls, himself, and if he is nervious around girls. The three main things are all common with molestors and rapist.

After that you will need to discuss this with your man. Then explain to him why this is affecting your physical part of the relationship. The way he reacts will tell you all you need to know about him, and if you are ment to have a serious relationship with him.

I hope my advice was helpful. I wish you the best. Remember, no matter how this ends know that you are a great girl that had a situation that I could never handle as well as I ever could.

Best wishes
 
posted by Lee (age 19) on 3/26/2008
 
well all women/girls who get molested or raped think it is there fault. well there wrong it is never your fault. they try to pen it on you and say that you led them on n **** like that. it is ok to fell weird to have sex with you boyfriend. it will take time to really recover from something like. it happend to my friend and she still thinks of it till this day. but i think you will b ok to have a wonderful relationship with you boyfriend
 
posted by Donna (age 19) on 3/29/2008
 


 
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