relationship advice (post new situation)
"deserving him"
well there is this one guy, and we have been talking for about 6- months now. we have been through things together, but now he is talking to antoher girl and if we get to hang out he is always like, "well if we hang out, you cant tell anyone" and i always fall for it, and i cant get over him. i dont know why im not for him. the girl he is talking to now is like a size 1 and i am a size 7. and if size matters than i will lose weight for him, but i will do anything for that kid. i like him so much and i need to get over him because if im not skinny enough for him, then he doesnt deserve me. but i need to find a way to get over him, or i need teqniques to do so. so i need advice. please help me. :[
posted by ashley (age 16) on 3/13/2008 @1:35:28 PM •
You seriously think losing weight for a guy is healthy and realistic? C'mon. It can kill you and if you were to get him. Psh, do you really think he would stick with you all through high school if he's THAT picky about his girls. Trust me, I'm a guy and I know these things. Those relationships don't last long at all! Don't go for him. If he was truly your "friend", he wouldn't mind hanging out with you if people knew.
posted by That guy on 3/13/2008
Hey ashley,
Im assuming that the guy you are liking is the same age as you or possibly slightly older. Being a guy i remember being at that age and it is pretty confusing, at least it was for me being torn between wanting what most guys want and having a relationship that meant more.

In terms of weight loss i dont advise it. That is a slippery slope that can lead to numerous disorders and complications. I actually just studied this is psych (im a psych major) and it is a tough thing to get out of. If you feel over weight lose weight in a healthy way but do it for u not for some guy.

Some advice on other techniques... i dont kow enough details to really say. U may be putting yourself out there too much in a sense, and guys are alot like girls in the sense that they like the challenge. So maybe throw a little hard to get at him or some o hey i cant hang out tonight i got to go hang with this other guy type things. I know those used to always work on me. And if getting over him is what u end up deciding is what u need just stay busy. It will take time like most things but just remember if it doesnt work there are soooo many people in the world. and not one of them doesnt want to find love, and who knows maybe the one who is right for ya just hasnt shown up yet. Time will tell.

Hope this helps some if at all.

posted by Brandon (age 21) on 3/13/2008
As a guy I can see what he's doing, and it's not fair to you. If he cannot accept you the way you are then he is the one who doesn't deserve you. However, if you're not happy with your weight then losing some should be for you, and nobody else. I'm sure if you did, you'd not only be proud of yourself, but when he came crawling back it'd feel good to say you don't want him anymore- whether you do or don't at that time. If you do, make him prove himself to you before you take him back to avoid getting hurt again. Good Luck!
posted by shawn on 3/13/2008
I guess the best thing you can do in this situation is not to focus on what this guy wants, but instead find other guys who will like you for who you are. And not only that, but just because he talks with a girl who's several sizes smaller than you, it means nothing. I mean, he is truly deciding on who to date because of weight or size, then he isn't that great of a guy.

Another thing is is that you can get over him. Is it always easy, no. But you have to come to terms and accept that if you choose to look for someone else, then there's definitely someone better than him. That is if you do decide too. And if he does make his decision based on weight, than don't even waste anymore of your time. Use whatever cliche you please, "fish in the sea", etc. but there's someone out there for you.
posted by jon the mase (age 17) on 3/13/2008
There are things that I have learned about life and one of those things is to never change yourself for others. People should like you for who you are in every aspect. If you do change, make sure it's for you and you only. The people that want you to change or that you think they want you to change aren't worth it. Keep in mind that you have many many more years of life to live and that the perfect person for you will accept you for who you are...mind, body, and soul.

Good luck!

posted by Robert (age 18) on 3/13/2008
If a guy doesn't want to be seen with you then obviously he isn't going to date you because then he'll have to be seen with you which is exactly what he doesn't want. I have a few friends who have gone into relationships knowing that the guy won't hold their hand in public, or show any kind affection to her in public, and trust me, those relationships don't work. They end in tears and wondering why they aren't good enough when they're way more than he deserves.

Size seven isn't fat. I am a size 3 and i'm 5 foot 7, but my younger sister is 16 yrs old, 5 foot 7, but she's a size 7. She is in excellent shape and very alethic, and not fat, but she's not skinny either. If she lost weight, then I would have to believe that she would look unporpotional, plus if you crash diet, eventually you'll gain the weight you lost and then some. It would be unhealthy for you to lose weight until your a size 1, but if you still feel the need to slim up, then eat healthier foods and don't over work yourself when you exersize.

And who knows if he'll change emotionally just because you've changed phiscally...
posted by Caroline (age 17) on 3/13/2008
i dont care how much u care about a guy if he tells u or even hints to u that u should lose weight so that he will be w/ u he is not worth ur time im not trying to sound mean but im a big grl not huge but i have always been chubby n so i have had this happen to me grl ur tiny compared to me im a size 13 i have big hips n always have but i have overcome the fact that there r guys out there that will tell u to lose weight n u know what i have to say to them f u ur not worth my time remember honey ur beautiful no matter what ur size as long as u think so other ppl will come to realize it too now im not saying that i always like my body but im content w/ myself n u should be too ur a pretty grl u just need to see that if the only reason that he is acting this way is bc of ur size ditch him hes not worth ur time u deserve someone who will love u no matter what size u r now dont think that its going to be easy cause if u do really care for this guy then its gonna be hard it always is u just have to keep telling urself that u deserve better than this n u deserve to find someone who will love n cherish u ur still young go out n have fun dont waste ur time on a guy who doesnt give u the love n affection that u deserve n dont go looking for love it will find u n when it does that guy will love u the way u r n would never want u to change no matter what he will see ur true beauty n remember that if u ever need someone to talk to email me i will talk to u n help u thru things
lots of love
posted by jessica (age 18) on 3/13/2008
I think that you need to realize that if this guy is not wanting to talk to you anymore or have you as just his main girl then he doesnt deserve you. If the guy likes this other girl I can pretty much garatee (don't think I spelled that right) you that your wieght is not the issue. if he was talking to you he liked you, if he hung out with then starting hanging out with this other girl it is prolly cause he likes something about her. Ei: Her laugh blah blah blah. I know it suckes cause i've been there but you should never change yourself for guy. Plus your only sixteen. You will have so many opprotunities to meet another guy that you like one thousand times better or have more in common. You could get a guy that is willing to fall in love with you and be proud to show you off, and be like "Yea that is my girl Ashely. "
Hope my advice helps.

Some tips to get over your guy:
Party- this is a chance to expand your mind and see who you are about. Chance to meet new guys.

go shopping-
Get over your blues is too get a new wardrobe. One again expand your mind.

Get rid of all the memories-
If you have stuff that brings up memories. Experts say to get rid of them totally. I couldnt so i just got a shoe box and put everything in it and put it way in my closet. You have to try to move on. this is a hard thing to do but all you can do is try.

Go for a rebound-
I know that is a little bit mean but it really does work. Cause all you need right now is someone to have someone to help you get through this.
posted by Chantal (age 18) on 3/13/2008
first of all, you've got this all wrong. if you're not skinny enough for him, then he doesn't deserve you. one thing i've learned is that you don't have to change for a guy. if a guy is going to like you, then he needs to like you for the real you, not some front that you put on. is this kid really a good guy if you have to change the way you look for him to like you? thats the question you should answer when you look in the mirror...also, are you content with the way you look? because if you are then you need to do what pleases you, and if you want to lose some weight, then go ahead, but not just for this guy. i hope that that has helped you a little bit but just think this through because you really sound like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.
posted by stef on 3/13/2008
hey, check it out, im guessing you're not completely unhealthy. if you're gonna lose weight, do it for yourself, thats the only way you'll keep it off. as for the guy, he's playin you out as some sex on the side. I've done it before to women. way to get over him? realize hes not worth the worry and find someone new, sounds way to simple i'm aware, but its the hard truth.
posted by dub (age 22) on 3/13/2008
I know how hard it can be to feel like you don't look good enough for a guy..when I was 16, I felt a lot like that, too. But trust me, you don't have to change yourself for someone else, especially in that way. A size 7 is a great size, do you really want to look like you're just skin and bones? But I think you sort of see that's a ridiculous idea, even though you say you would do that for him. But why make such a sacrifice for him when he doesn't seem to care that much about you? I don't really think there's a technique for getting over just have to give it some time. Maybe you could gradually stop talking to him. Maybe it'll ease it, I can't guarantee that though. But I can say from experience that it doesn't hurt for too long. You just need to realize that you are worth so much more than that, and if he is going to be a typical shallow guy, than he definitely does not deserve you. Never change yourself for a guy. Do you want to be loved for something you're not?
Sorry if this was saying too much. I'm not trying to lecture you, I don't like being told what to do. But do me a favor, and think about what I said. And good luck with whatever you decide to do..just be careful.
posted by Molly (age 18) on 3/13/2008
honestly you should never do something irrational for someone you like because if they cant see you for who you are how can you know its a true attraction or just a physical one and if you do want to help your appearance you should do it for yourself because nothings a better motivation than that
posted by nick (age 18) on 3/13/2008
No hun, I don't think that losing weight will work in this situation. A size seven shouldn't pose a problem at all if he really enjoys being around you. He has been with you six months so chances are- to be frank -he might just be losing interest. It happens all the time, guys aren't wired to be in long term relationships when that young, instead they should be seeing a variety of girls and figuring out what most appeals to them. Therefore with you trying to keep him for youself you could potentially be setting him up for confusion later on. Selfish!
As for your own self-confidence and wellbeing, hell yeah, lose fifteen pounds or so. You'll feel great. But instead of dieting you must change your habits. It's not going to happen overnight either. But I swear having focus is key. Just by limiting myself to 25 grams of fat daily, in like six months I went from 135lbs to 102. And everyone was like "what the heck!?, how do you do it". You just have to do it for yourself. Plus once you get skinnier you're confidence will hit the roof and that's when tons of other guys be fighting for your attention! Good luck!
posted by kim (age 18) on 3/13/2008
loosing weight is a great thing to do for your self if that kind of thing s important to him than its not you he values it the way you look and that isn't the makings of a long term relationship loose weight if thats what you wanna do but if he can't like you for who you are as a person then its not worth persuing a relationship with him past friends
posted by Moses (age 18) on 3/13/2008
Look huni, your 16, you will meet plenty of guys who you'll think is that special one, but this guy clearly isn't. You shouldn't lose weight to try and get this guys attention, when you love someone, and they love you, they won't ask you to change, infact they won't want you to change. And if this guy can't see how wonderful you are, he props never will, hes blind, you should go and find someone who does care. Size doe's not matter, I'm size 12, my partner is only a size 6, he doesn't mind my weight, he loves me for me, you should find a guy that loves you just the way you are. Dieting won't make you any more appealing, because without the needed nutrients, you won't have enough energy that makes you fun, you'll become withdrawn from social situations, more than likely you'll also become snappy. So Ashley, don't diet for a guy, they aren't worth it, go find a guy who wants you for you.
Love Em
posted by Emily on 3/14/2008
Its something all girls consider, something that seems like a good idea at the time, but seriously.. think about it. If he only wants to be with someone because they are skinny then what does that make him? Not a nice guy.. and not worth you losing weight for. The only person you should lose weight for is yourself. Plus who wants a girl without curves really?
Get out and meet new people, people that make you feel gorgeous just the way you are, dont spend time trying to impress people who dont like you the way you are. It may be a cliche but beauty does come from within and if he doesnt see that, hes not worth it, nors any other guy like him for that matter.
Go out there and get someone who deserves you! :)
Good Luck!
posted by Emma (age 18) on 3/14/2008
A size 7 is skinny! I'm sure you are beautiful and you need to focus on all of the great things about yourself. The truth is, if he isn't interested in you now, then he won't be even if you lose weight. Which you definitely don't need to. I myself have been in a similar situation where the guy didn't really want anything to do with me, and I was head over hills in love with him. But that's the way life is. Some people are not going to be attracted to another no matter how gorgeous they may be. So, try and forget about this guy. He doesn't deserve you, and you deserve to be treated better. Any guy your with should be proud to have you around and show you off, not be ashamed. It's hard I know, but move on. And if you really feel insecure about your weight, exercise and eat healthy. That's enough! Good luck with it all.
posted by Sonja (age 18) on 3/14/2008
ashley, number one he doesn't deserve you. and i know this sounds so cliche and you're probably thinking this girl doesn't even know me but, you do not need to change yourself for him!! the beauty of finiding someone that you like is being able to be yourself around him without him wanting you to change. this guy doesnt even sound like a good friend if he doent even want people to know. next time he says this ask his reason? chances are he will feel dumb when he tells you and this gives you the perfect opportunity to say oh well, if that's the case i have other friends. you should only be willing to do anything for him, if he's willing to do the same for you. him and that girl won't last long anyways, unless she's as immature as he seems to be. the best way to get over someone is to move onto someone else. someone who likes you for you.
posted by jamie on 3/17/2008

#2) Your 16... Most People Dont Find There soul untill there 30

#3) Live Life---Love Life

#4) Look At The Reasons Your Still Here... A.K.A. Family, Friends, I Wanted To Commit Suicide Untill One Person Told Me That They Cared For Me....

SO Stay Alive And Make A Diffrence In Somebodys Life... Good Luck
posted by Chris (age 19) on 3/17/2008

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