relationship advice (post new situation)
"Forgiveness is The ultimate sacrifice"
Forgiveness is The ultimate sacrifice

Ok so it has been 3 months since me and my X broke up. We are both 22 years old. We have been together for 6 years and we have a kid whos about to turn 1 this month. I have been a stay at home dad and didn't like it one bit but it was where life had me in that moment. Anyways Long story short.... My X has been seeing people at her work which is a office type job and she has been taking cocain and E. Shes slept with 3 guys from work now and has been doing drugs with them. They are in their 30's. I keep trying to tell my highschool sweetheart that they are only using her for sex and getting her high to make the process easier for them. She thinks i am being a jerk for saying mean things like that and she tells me i do not know anything (which i do because i hack into her myspace and emails everyday=P). She has not been talking to me as if i were dead and all i ever try to get ahold of her for is to check up on my kid. I honestly still love this chick but she has cheated on me and lied to me so many times with in 2 months. I have been in shock and i thought this would never happen to us but IT DID. Well i guess i am asking for advice on how to make things easier for me to get her to realize that i do care for her and my kid. I have been giving her space for about 2 months now and i haven't got one returned phone call yet. What should i do? What should i say? I am lonely too you know.......
posted by Brian (age 22) on 3/21/2008 @6:58:11 PM •
Well Brian,
Im really sorry to hear that. I am in a situation myself dealing with a loved one on drugs. My boyfriend of 2 years has always been a drug addict but recently its become an every weekend thing where he does cocaine and other various drugs. So I definitly understand how hard it can be to watch someone you love hurt themselves. They dont realize that it doesnt just affect themselves it affects the people who love them the most. No one can force them to quit, they have to be ready. It is very hard to deal with sometimes. There isnt much you can do other than let that person know how much you care and that it is affecting everyone around them. You have to think about your child and your well being. Your child needs you and especially if her mom is doing drugs and having more than one sex partner. Its not healthy for the child to be exposed to that lifestyle. Eventually it will all catch up to her, maybe she needs to learn the hard way. Tough love sometimes works the best. Do your own research and try and show her the facts about the things she is doing and what those consequences will be if she continues. If that doesnt work than you need to just show her by taking care of your child and letting her know that you wont put up with it. It wont be easy but you cant always change someone when they dont see any error in their ways. Just stay strong, believe me I am struggling with my relationship more than ever. I cant get the nerve to leave him, dont be like me.
posted by Lauren (age 21) on 3/26/2008
In all honesty man, I think its time to use this at your disposal. If she is acting up and doing drugs, which is making you concerned for your son, which WILL LEAD to her mistreating him, and at 1 yrs old, there is little room for his development being mistreated. I would go speak with a social worker and report to them about what the mother is out doing and the effects it may be or could start having. Take the kid from her, and when everything falls apart, then and only then will she leave her arrogance and realise the wrongs she has done, and "for waht?". Im not saying get even man, just that youve already seem to have done alot, so now it is time to let her fall down and hit rock bottom. Its hard to see people you love and care for drown, but its how we as humans better ourselves. Good luck man.
posted by Chaz (age 20) on 3/26/2008
My name is Amanda. I may be only 18 but I have seen my friends and my mom waste their lives doing drugs. I had a friend who was hooked on E and my mom was addicted to the worst drug possible--meth. I tried to help my friend by telling her I didn't want her to go down that path of drugs. But she didn't listen to me. She thought I wasn't being a good friend. I told her I couldn't sit and watch her waste her life like my mom did. She said that a true friend wouldn't watch, they would do something. I tried. And I found meth in my mom's bathroom, at this time, my little brother was 4 years old. I couldn't just let my mom sacrifice food money for drug money so I had to tell someone.

You have a child who, I gather from what you wrote, lives with your ex. That's not good. If she is with guys and doing drugs, your child could be in danger. One of these guys can seriously harm your child or your ex can freak out on the coke and X and do harm. You have to get help for her. She needs to understand that it is not all right to do drugs, especially with a child present. I know that it will be hard to get her help, believe me. That last thing that I wanted to do was destroy my relationship with my mom. But she soon that all I wanted was for her to get help and for my siblings to be safe. We are all right now. She realized that if I hadn't given her a kick in the butt, she'd either be in jail or dead or missing. And I would have been the one who would be taking care of my little brother and my little sister.

You have to do what's best for your child. That's all that you need to think about right now. That's YOUR first PRIORITY,
posted by Amanda (age 18) on 3/26/2008
Is she proving herself to be a unfit parent? My mother had that issue and my dad gave her a choice straighten up and get your head out of your ass or say you wont get custody of your child. If you can prove shes a unfit mother youre game. If i were you tell her to get your head out of your ass grow up and be a parent. If that doesnt work well its her loss and rather sad if she choses drugs and sleeps with other men. If she wants to change be there for her such as rehab, encouraging good behavior and so on. for example if shes in rehab and you can visit every saturday bring the kid along and maybe keep that hope up that she can get better. Drugs are hard to get off of and most people will do anything to get their monkey paws on some of it. When shes out of rehab (if a option) you can give her another chance or you guys can be friends. I was in the foster home system for 17 years because of that BS. It sucks being the kid of a deadbeat mother.
posted by Lauren (age 19) on 3/26/2008
So brian let me start off by saying that i am sorry for what you are going through! Honestly it is hard to find a good guy these days. If i was you I would show up at her house and tell her you need to talk! sit her down and tell her that if she doesnt want you in her life then that is ok. But it is not fair to your child. Let her know that you guys need to work something out for you child so that if she wants to do bad things with her life your child isnt around. I would honestly tell her. If you keep doing what your doing how is that going to give our child a good life. Point out to her that your child is about to be a year old and that does she really want her baby to see what she is doing. Point out that drugs change people. I know from experience and tell her that if she doesnt kick the drug habit then she could potentioally end up loosing ur child. I would also point out to her that if you didnt care about her and you were just trying to be mean you would do it in other ways then telling her that they are using her for sex. Maybe suggest to her one night to just go out with one of these guys and not sleep with them or do drugs, but honestly sit down and try to have a conversation with them.If she is any kind of a woman then she will get the point! and stop what she is doing! Yet again im sorry to hear what you are going through. Keep ur head up things will get better! if you need someone to talk to personally you can email me on my email or on my myspace
posted by Kelly (age 18) on 3/26/2008
I have been in the same situation before and there is nothing you can really do except tell her how you feel and let it be known. She is going to do it no matter what you say or think, a mean but easy way to get her attention is to use your kid agianst her. That worked with my mom and dad. Just tell her how yo feel and if you have to get the authorities involved.
posted by chantal (age 18) on 3/26/2008
Okay, I think first of all, you should stop hacking into her emails and myspace -- doing this will only make her distrust you, especially if she finds out. The best thing you can do is not to yell at her or criticize, but to offer lots of support, if she wants to talk or anything, because her self destructing herself means that she is very insecure about who she is. Tell her that you regard her as a good person WITHOUT the drugs. Her knowing that there are guys out there (even if it is a previous boyfriend) that respect her for who she is, who she doesn't have to impress or get high for, might raise her esteem. Ask her if she wants to talk, but BE ENCOURAGING AND SUPPORTIVE. If she tells you about the drug use, tell her that you are concerned for her, and want her to see herself in a better light. If she is in denial (which is likely), the only thing that you can do is to just be very supportive and let her come to the decision to help herself. You can't tell her what and what not to do, but you can always encourage her to better herself. Remind her (gently) about her child, that she has a responsibility to them. But most of all, just be nice and listen if she wants to talk.
posted by Karen on 3/26/2008
just give her more time! act like she aint thr either!! and try to make her alert of da kid saying omg da kid got sick becuz he didnt c his mom or something....

posted by someone on 3/26/2008
i know im only 19 but i have a baby too. um if you really love this girl try to get her to sit down and talk to her. if that dosn't work try to get her parents involved they might be able to get her the help that she needs. but don't give up on her thats what she might think you are going to do. right now she probably needs you more than she thinks.
posted by Donna (age 19) on 3/26/2008
Hoever, for your friends ex.....She's a mom and needs to get her **** together or she will lose her child in a nasty battle against the state if they find out. Soooo, the advice I can give you to give him is....

Let her know that it cocaine itself can scar the heart and lead to massive heart attacks and mumurs, also the more you decide to snort it, the chemicals cause a whole in your nose. It damages your brain cells and you never gain them back. You stop producing new brain cells after 18-21.

All in all, you can die from this drug and you can lose custody and respect from everyone around you. My friends have done this and so did my ex, and I don't believe I should associate myself with anyone who does this. Especially since it is ILLEGAL! The DEA will not give you a slap on the wrist....They will make sure that that girl will be locked up for a long time if they find out too. Another thing you can tell her about. That's YEARS in a prison.

Hopefully I helped a little. I do mentor kids and I teach them the affects of drugs since I studied them for a while to let kids know they are bad. I did a program in school for them for 2 years to just learn how bad they were. So, let her know it's better to give it up than go through all of that.
posted by christina (age 21) on 4/4/2008

  [ disclaimer ] [ sign in ] [ contact us ] [ search ]
please take reasonable measures to protect your safety and privacy when posting situations or advice or participating in an exchange. read more... © word of advice, & powered by simplifyit. site map.