life advice (post new situation)
"Death of Mother"
My mother recently passed away due to choronic drug perscribtion abuse. I just feel horrible because before her death I last saw her 3 years before. And I rarely talked to her on the phone and I just feel terribly guilty. I don't know how to feel better after all this. She also didnt know that I had recently had a baby and got married, but wasn't ready to let the family know. I feel like a horrible daughter.
posted by Katie on 3/24/2008 @3:30:37 PM •
First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. It sucks to lose someone you know, no matter how close or far away they are.

As far as I know it is normal to feel guilt and loss and regret after a death... we all have things that we "should have done" but didn't get to. It just takes time to be able to come to terms with these feelings, and I'm sure as time goes by you will gradually feel better about it. Also, don't forget that communication is a two way street, and that she was also responsible for not keeping in touch with you. The best thing you can do now, I believe, is to take steps to ensure that you live each day as if it will be the last, as cliche as that sounds, because part of the joy and sorrow of life lies in its unpredictability.

I hope this helps in some small way. Take care of yourself!
posted by Katie on 3/27/2008
Hello Katie. First, my condolences to you. I must say I know that loosing a mother is very dificult, being that my mother lost her mother when she was 18. I lost my father in my mid twenties. It was sad but to me, the loss of a mother is far worse. It does sound like you and your late mother had a strained relationship. This is very sad, but drugs ruin families and your mother had a drug problem. I do feel eveything in life has a reason for being. And yes you lead your own life privately, being that seeing your mother abuse drugs must have killed you inside. This is why you werent close with her and you did have your reasons. If your life was more like your mothers you maybe wouldnt have had your daugher and would have been taking drugs also. You distanced yourself for a reason, and this is why your alive. Whats sad is that drug abuse is a sickness, and being that she was sick, God took her. You arent a horrible daughter. Your mother was sick and officially she isnt suffering anymore. Grief has stages, and I say go with them. Guilt, anger, bitterness, and so on.
Time does lessen the pain for sure. At times for some talking (or writing/typing) it out helps. Speaking of which I hope this helps you out!!
I wish you the best.
posted by Marianne (age 35) on 3/30/2008
Times change as do people. Don't feel guilty, i bet your mom is happy that you made a better person out of your self than she did. She's probably glad that you're not following in her foot steps. Best of luck to you and your family.
posted by Stephanie (age 19) on 3/30/2008
katie you cant blame yourself for that. we have to make choices in our life. i had to make the same decision to remove family and friends from my life because of habitual drug use and or alcohol. about two years ago i lost my best friend growing up we both experimented with drugs at the same time and i grew out of it and he didn't. when he died i felt awful but someone told me what im telling you. i had to accept that because of the choices he made it was unsafe to have him in my life any longer. your not a horrible daughter she had to make a decision and so did you. you cant blame yourself.
posted by Mark (age 20) on 3/30/2008
You cant feel guilty for something you didnt do... you may have not have talked to her but its not your fault that she passes away. My mom has beaten herself up over and over for not talking to her dad. She didnt know untill after he passes away that i had talked to him twice a week and when i was able to drive i started to visit him. She hated him for not being in her life as a child and refused to talk to him her whole life. He was an amazing person and she never gave him a chance but he did try to be in her life she just didnt know it untill after he passed away. My mom got a call two days before he passed from the nursing home that he had stage 4 cancer. She went to visit him the next day and he didnt even know that we were there. My mom and i sat there and held his hand as he passed away and it was the hardest part of my life. I watched my mom fall to her knees and begged that it wasnt real. She felt horrible that she didnt know anything about him. What she didnt realize is that he understood why she didnt talk to him. Your mom will always be with you. Try writing a letter to her and just sealing it up and putting it way it helps sometimes
posted by Heather on 3/30/2008
Well I would fell horrible to but if your mother did not want to care for you and if you tried to talk to her then you have nothing to fell bad about i know waht its klike not to talk to a parent for a long time so what i can tell you is that just say to your self that hey she is in a better place and she will be able to see to and your family everyday of your life and pray and love her like you eould if she was here for you
posted by michael on 3/30/2008
its hard to loose a loved one dont feel guilty that you lost someone that you loved and they havent left you they are still watching over you so dont feel bad about it just let the family know how bad you feel and let them help you out
posted by andrew (age 20) on 3/30/2008
Dear Katie,

I had the same situation happen. My father died March of 2006. I got a call from one of his friends the day after he died. We hadn't spoken for 2 years. His friend went through his wallet after he died and saw in a torn pocket, my phone #. He stated he didnt know about me because my father never mentioned me or my sister. I felt like **** and cried the whole day. He was battling stomach cancer for almost 2 years. We didnt speak because every time we got together he would bring up the past about him and my mother. I couldnt take it because he never moved on. So as days went on I would say to myself "i call him next week". And that turned into 2 years. I got married Oct. 2004 and i couldnt invite my father because of my mother and brother. They would have giving me a hassle. I to this day feel guilty and I cried up to a month after he died. I tried to get his ashes which were going to my half sister and brother who i didnt know very well. But they were not in his life for at least 20 years. I only was out for 2 and felt i deserved them. But i never got it. I can honestly say I really still hate myself for it because the last time I saw him was christmas 2002. But he was a vain person and really only thought of himself. So I try to think that i did what i could to keep a relationship with him, but he made it difficult. There is really no way to get over it. I just talk to him every now and then and say i am sorry hoping he hears me. I hope this helps alittle.

posted by Gina on 3/30/2008
I'm sorry for your loss. My mother is a prostitute, druggy,seller, and everything else. We don't have a close relationship because she loves her "men" more than me. She comes and goes every 5 years but only stays maybe a week to see me then shes off. She is currently in prison agian and is now dying with aids, hepititus c, and cancer. I felt really bad that I couldn't do more, and there for awhile I felt bad that she never met my fiancee and everything. She then reminded me why I did not have her in my life. I still feel like a horible daughter but at a young age both of my parents made me the adult. I now know its time to let go and make them grow up and if she does before she dies then maybe we can be something. If she doesnt grow up then oh well I tried my best. I don't think you should feel bad at all. Your not horrible. Theres just reasons for you not to have talked to her, and if their like mine then theres nothing that you could have done. You have a family, and you cant risk being brought down. Good luck! I know its hard!
posted by Jaqui (age 19) on 4/2/2008
You are not a horrible daughter. When my dad was sick with Cancer instead of staying by his side I stayed away as much as possible and I felt the same way you do when he died. It's natural for everyone to seperate themselves from the one thing that's most damaging in their life just so they can avoid being hurt too in the process. You didnt do anything wrong, you just responded to your mind's natural defense system.
posted by Jessica (age 19) on 4/3/2008

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