relationship advice (post new situation)
"someone help me Pleaseeee"

my name is hallie. im 19 and im from the heart of boston. ive never asked for help like trhis, but i dont know what else to do. so here it goes. i hope someone can help me! ive lived with my boyfriend, danny, his brother and my best friend scince i was 15. ive know this danny my whole life, and have dated him on for almost 5 years. danny and the girl i lived with are really my only family. i love danny and i know Danny loves me. we have always partyed, but danny has developed a drug problem. he comes home late, wayy to messed up, and we get in fight about everything. mostly because he scares me, and i ask him to stop. things almost always get physical, and after he gets mad if i wont kiss him, and make up. thats the worst! he is 6'4, 260 and has been boxing for 10 years. im about 5'2 ,120 and althought i dont like to beleive it, he could reaaly hurt me if he wanted. and he probally wouldnt even remember it the next day. he, like everyone else here, had a rough life and ive know about his temper forever. ive just never seen him like this and he's getting worse. he wont listen when i ask him to get help. Im afraid that if i leave him, he will never get help, or he will just kill himself then. and i would never forgive myself. and im afraid that if i stay with him, he will hurt me and things will go on like this. i have 5 big brothers, my only real family, and none of them will speak to me, because they have seen what danny has done, and when they go after him, i stand up for him. im afraid if i see danny through to the end, they'll never forgive me. i know this is a lot, but what is the best thing i can do to help everyone?
posted by hallie (age 19) on 3/26/2008 @12:03:56 PM •
i think i know what your talking about yes you may love this guy but you need to get out. i have been abused by my husband who i am leaving now. he has hit for a while now and i don't want to have to deal with that. you shouldn't have to either. if a guy really loves you he wouldn't do drugs and stay out really late. if he scares you that much its probably best for you to get out before it get really bad there. because the last time my husband hit me he hit me so hard in the back of my head i almost puked and that will be the last tim he touches me. don't let it get that bad.
posted by Donna (age 19) on 3/26/2008
Hallie darling, I know it is rough since you live with him and may or may not have somewhere else to go. It has to be his choice to get help...not yours ! If it continues you must leave. Dont take chances. I was almost murdered by someone I loved that was "under the influence" and am greatful that I was rescued in time to be typing this today. This person "doesnt remember" either. That is the scary part. Try to speak to him with your other friends when he is coheirant enough to understand. You should not have to live in fear of someone you love and if doesnt understand nor want to change that hun...then I suggest that you remove yourself from that situation asap. Be well and be safe...
posted by Empress (age 41) on 3/27/2008
wow this seems like the same thing i was going through a few months ago with my husband. well let me tell you my situation first and maybe that will help. i met Charlie when i was 15, but didn't start dating until i was about 18. in the last year or so i joined the ARMY, and when i got back from training he wanted to get married, so of course i said yes! but when we moved to Houston, TX. well lets just say it all went down hill. he started smoking crack! i never even touched the stuff let alone someone smoking it in the same room! i was furious. our fights would always be violent. one thing led to another, he always came close to hitting. he would sneak out of the house. stay up all night and sleep all day. he lost a lot of weight. he even lost his job. i was bringing home the money, which i think the man should do his part also! and his family saw that he was doing that, they all told me to leave him, but i would also stand up for him. see charlie is a good man, a great man! if you saw him and actually knew him, you wouldve never even new what he did. but i knew there was hope, i love him. but i thought he loved crack and not me because i would always make him choose but he would always say this is the last time. until finally, i left. for a few days really. i went to dallas to stay with my mom. but he cried and wanted me to come back. of course i did. i thought i was strong enough to leave him, but he wasnt strong enough for me to leave. i was there trying to help him over come the drug habit. I'm not saying love can conquer all, but if you love him you would try to help him. Hallie you don't need the help, he does. Charlie is 28, an ex marine! so we have something in common with our men. you can leave him, which will be extremely hard, but good for him. it will make him think of what he as become. and HELP him through this. i stayed with Charlie and he got over it. i told him to look in the mirror and look at his father (which is a crackhead) and he's becoming the one man he said he'll never be. i made sure i had money and he didn't. we worked together. he actually woke up and realized that he was scaring me and he needed help. he had withdrawals and one day it got bad. i mean really bad. one of our neighbors heard us fighting and called the cops, he spent a week in jail because he has warrants of traffic violations. so i think that really helped, he had no way of getting it and harassing people. well, i hope i helped you. "help me, help you" thats what i said to him. he's clean now. and he's got a stable job. we are happy, he was just having a hard time in his life. i hope this helps you out, honestly, you need to make your own choices. your still young, and naive. and me too! but don't listen to others. you feel what you need to do is best. but think long and hard about it. he may not be like Charlie, he might not want help. when he is sober, just ask him what he actually wants in his life. you by his side or a rock and a pipe in his hand.


let me know if everything works out.
posted by jeanie (age 21) on 3/27/2008
hun u need to leave him i have been in that situtation but its ur life u need to be worried about it. or tell him that if he dont get help that u are going to leave him and mean it. he is walking all over u and since i was in this situtation at one time i left i was getting the hell beat out of me and its the best thing i did in my life i am 21 now married and have a son it took me a while to cope with things buut i did and i am so much happier now just kleave him and remember that u have to worrie about urself and ur safty.
posted by tiffanie (age 21) on 3/27/2008
Unfortunately I think the only option you really have is to get out. There's no other way to make sure you will be ok. If you go now it will test if he really wants to be with you or not. If he quits what he's doing and cleans himself up then it will show he wants you. If you make a sacrifice and he doesn't then he isn't the right person for you. Your brothers would respect you and would understand and try to help you cope whether you think they will or not. I know it's not the easiest thing to do but it has to be done. Think of yourself and put yourself first for once instead of trying to please all those around you. Leaving now is your best option. Try to make yourself safe.
posted by Kayla on 3/27/2008
I was the same age as you when I went through a similar situation. My boyfriend was 30. He beat the hell out of me when he came off the drugs, but it all started out as partying. He threw me into walls, beat me with skateboards, ect. the end of our relationship he tried to hit me in the head with a hammer after a fight and I had to get a restraining order to get away. I am telling you this because once it starts, it will only get worse, may I ask his drug of choice? Anyways, give him an ultimatum, drugs and partying, or you. If he gets aggressive then you should leave until he figures out what is best for him. If he is a genuinely good guy tell him you will be around as a friend... but nothing more until he figures out what he is going to do with his life.
posted by Alicia (age 22) on 3/27/2008
ok this is weird, ummm... let me know what happens

do u have a myspace? u have my email address
posted by jeanie (age 21) on 3/27/2008
Hallie, I have never been in your position before but my mom has. Her boyfriend was very abusive to her and to me. I think that the best thing for you to do is to let Danny go. You can't help someone if they don't want to be helped, and if he loves you as much as he says he does then he wouldn't do what he is doing. I think the best thing for you to do is call your brothers and leave with them until Danny can figure out what he wants to do with his life. I don't think that anyone should have to go through what you are going through. If Danny loves you he will let you go and maybe when he gets his priorities in order you can go back to him but for now I think you need to leave so that you don't get hurt. I know it's gonna hurt when you leave but at least you know that you'll be safe.
posted by Chanda (age 19) on 3/27/2008
Dear Hallie,
I am sure the situation you are in is hard but you have to take into consideration what is best for you in the long run. I know it may be hard for you since yal have been together for awhile but its only gonna get worse before it gets better. My advice to you is to leave him, I know it may seem like your family wont speak to you but you have to take into consideration the position they are in, they are only trying to help you out and let you know what is best for you. My advice would be to live with one of your family members and leave your boyfriend because boys will come and go but family is forever!!!

posted by Ashley (age 19) on 3/27/2008
Girl you straight up need to leave him. I know you say that you love him but girl you still going to be thinking of him when he beats you to so you need to move on and leave him.
posted by Tiffany (age 19) on 3/27/2008
Hey girl. Thank you for the advice you left on my situation. It looks like we are in the same boat almost. I just wanted to let you know that you can talk to me anytime. Also dont be afraid to walk away when he gets abusive. Thats one thing that I cant put up with is abuse. My boyfriend does verbally abuse me sometimes. If it ever got physical I would tell you to keep on walking away. If you dont have the strength to leave him then you need to know how to defend yourself. Hunny you are young and you have plenty of time to find who you are and find someone who really appreciates you. I cant tell you to leave because Im not strong enough to leave my boyfriend. It sounds to me that you might need to let him know what he has.
posted by Lauren (age 21) on 3/28/2008
Hey hallie! I know what you're going through. My ex was a bad drug user and when we would get into fights she would hit me and throw objects at me. I really couldn't do much because i would be the one to get into trouble. My best suggestion would be to break up with him and dont take him back until he gets help. He may say that he's going to change and he might for a little while but he'll probably go back to the same stuff he was doing before. I realize that it'll be hard but its for your best and his. Just think one day he could go off and hurt you seriously, kill you, or even hurt or kill himself. You gotta be the strong one for now. E-mail me if you want to talk at ncv2007~AT~**** hope this helps
posted by Nick (age 19) on 3/30/2008

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