relationship advice (post new situation)
 
 
"Advice on communication and laughing"
 
Hello,

I am so sad right now because I really don't think anyone likes me. No one really likes to be around me. I know that I have a communication problem.

When I was growing up I had terrible teeth so I taught myself to keep my mouth shut and to try and not interact with people. After that I got braces in the 12th grade and my teeth are now beautiful. Guys were always attracted to me but, after I got my teeth fixed they were a little too attracted. By the age of 22 I was raped and assaulted multiple times. Also during that time one day, I was walking to my car from work and almost got abducted but, some employees of home depot ran out and beat the guy off of me. Now that I am 30 years old I see it has had a huge effect.

I don't know how to communicate with friends and just sit down and laugh. I don't even know what to say to friends to make interesting conversation. I have no girl friends. Every time I speak my words come out so serious. I have a very dry humor. No one laughs at my jokes. I get allot of respect from everyone that I know but, I don't ever get any close friends. I feel so sad and lonely. I want to be fun and exciting. My family loves me and they are always there for me except they live in other states.

I have a boyfriend of 7 years and we have 4 year old son. My son loves me to death but, my boyfriend does also but, he always says that I am too serious. I notice that he clings to his funny friends. I don't even know how to make him laugh. Our relationship is definitely suffering. I am so surprised that he is still with me after 7 years. But, this year he finally told me that he feels like he lives with his mother. He said that I am too controlling and I have to many rules in the house. He says that we don't have fun together anymore. I don't even know what to talk to him about. I feel like there is nothing more to say than talk about current events and the crazy things that my son does all the time. Its like he knows everything about me, my dreams, my goals, and I know everything about him. The problem is not just with him. It is with everyone that I know other than my immediate family.

I truly love myself and everyone else in my life. I am the type of person that will do everything I can to help anyone. I have worked for the homeless, for troubled youth, and I am currently training to run a tri-althlon for cancer. Even on the tri-athlon team everyone is forming friendships with each other and I feel so left out. I try to talk to them and join the conversation but, it is just not working. How do I open up or tear down my wall of armor so I can just be happy and laugh? Oh, I forgot to tell you that I really don't know how to laugh. I am so cold. I don't even know how to cry sometime. I have a really dry laugh and it almost seems phony. My cousin always calls me phony when I try to laugh because she knows it is not a real laugh. I just make the sound but, I really don't know how.

My mother always told me that I am the strongest child that she had. That is because I can deal with any situation without panicking. In tragedies I always get the most important things done, while everyone else sits around and cries. I am always the one to settle the fights, to fix the cuts, to lend a shoulder. I even adopted my nephew when my sister couldn't handle the fact of being a single mother while studying to be a doctor and raising two teenage boys. I took him in and he ended up getting straight A's. He has never gotten an A before in his life. Now he is working on becoming a lawyer.

Another thing that I have a problem with is being up in peoples faces. I like to stand back. I don't really know how to look people straight in the eyes during friendly times. I can look you in the eyes if you have done something wrong to me or someone else. I can look you in the eyes if it is a serious situation ( a business meeting, an argument, a tragedy). When is come time to laugh and talk I get cold, shy and clueless.

That should be enough information for someone to try and help me or just tell me what you really think I should do. I have decided to go to counseling. But sometimes just hearing from other people out there is counseling in itself. I don't have any-friends to talk to about this. It would really be nice if someone responded.

Well, at least I see one thing is happening. While I am writing this I can't stop crying.
 
posted by candygirl on 12/24/2007 @8:26:53 PM •
 
my humor is extremely dry, and sometimes very absurd. more often than not, the people around me don't understand what i'm saying, or just simply think i'm not funny. but as i've gotten older (i'm 32), i've learned that as long as i can be entertained by my own comments, i don't care what others think. and every once in awhile, on that very-rare occasion, i find somebody that thinks i'm hilarious. if everyone had the same, exact humor, nothing would be funny. so it's good there's a few dry characters like us around.

speaking as someone that doesn't personally know you, only using the facts you've given, it doesn't sound like you're unliked. it sounds more like it's just difficult for you to trust people. you've had some horrible things happen in your life, and finding difficulty in opening up would be a natural affect of tragedy. and the appearance of being serious all the time may have more to do with controlling situations, and less to do with a lack of being fun. always making sure things get done - whether they be those big, important things in the middle of a tragedy, or constantly looking for out-of-place things around the house - is a way of finding situations in your life that you can control. when so much around us is beyond our control, sometimes we find comfort in those things we have some control over.

counselors aren't very funny, and they very rarely have success in helping the comedically challenged; but i think counseling is a great idea, mainly to have a professional to talk to about everything you've gone through.

like i said, it doesn't sound like you're unliked. i don't even know you, and i already think you're pretty okay. and i understand that nobody-likes-me feeling, i get that sometimes. we all get that sometimes. but it's just not true.

this is pretty ridiculous, but... whenever nobody in the world likes me, i get a venti, iced chai tea latte from starbucks. it always seems to help.
 
posted by jason on 12/24/2007
 
I agree with Jason. With the relationship of seven years, try flirting. Perhaps just go out somewhere, somewhere nice like you would a date sort of thing, and just have fun, mess around. Flirt. I've found (Well I am only 14) that flirting makes everyone feel better, whether it's the giver or the receiver.

What you've had to deal with throughout your life sounds horrible, and again I agree with Jason, finding things to control in your life is possibly a result of that.

Again, I agree with Jason, seeing a counselor sounds good. :) Talking to people is a great way to let things go. My mum sees a counselor, he tells her how to act when my dad shuts down basically, so I know that it's good because Mum's been happier lately, she doesn't let it get to her.

Perhaps just go out and treat yourself to something nice. Go down and get an ice-cream cone from somewhere and just sit somewhere and think. Go swimming perhaps? Just enjoy yourself and you'll find that people enjoy seeing you happy.

I hope it helps. If you ever need to talk to someone you can email me.
zeyra27~AT~gmail.com

Just try to have some fun somewhere. If you like spending a bit of time on yourself, make it a weekly (or even daily) thing.
 
posted by Cassie-annabel on 12/26/2007
 


 
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