relationship advice (post new situation)
"What should I do?"
I moved out of state with my b/f of 3yrs recently.We lived in OH for 2yrs together and now we live in VA.He has always been a little controlling, like talking about my friends like they were not good for me and if I tried to defend them or hang out with them we would argue b/c he would say I was choosing them over him.So finally I just dropped all my friends.Then he would make comments about my family b/c they cant afford to send me to school.They also did could not ever give us any assistance and his family did sometmes so he would make me feel bad about that.However he did motivate me to get into school and help me to lose 60lbs! We met when I was 18 and he was 23.He was living with his aunt and uncle b/c he moved from TX (bad situation at home).He wanted to move out of his aunts house badly.We only knew eachother for a month and moved in together.Got 2 cats too.I worked f/t for a little and then when I got into nursing I started working p/t because the classes were very demanding.I told him that I would have to switch to p/t because of this and he was a little unsure but agreed to support me.When he got a better job and started making more money that was when the emotinal abuse started.We would argue about dumb things all the time and we started to tare eachother down.He made me feel like he would rather watch porn than be with me,he would be extra sweet to cute waitresses,just little things that made me jelous.he was my first real relationship and it was moving quick.He got a job promotion in VA, so I left my whole family in Ohio and moved there.When I got there I found outhow much more expensive things were!Our apartment in VA was 400 more expensive and I was mad that he did not think things through all the way.I felt that just because he was moving to VA Beach he went with his heart and not his head.But I found a p/t job paying me almost 2.00 more on the hour and I was very excited about that.But things started to get kinda bad because we would have arguments and I would have no where to run.Before in OH i would go to my moms or something just to get space.Now here I felt trapped like I had nowhere to go and worse of all I felt like he was happy that I had no family to run to.He then started to give me guff about my job and was telling me that i need to get a f/t job.I really liked my job at the bank I was at,but he did not care at all.He knew that I did not want to get a f/t job in the beginning and knew that I was serious about my education.But he would say things like "I am doing all the work and affording you to live in this nice place on the beach. You could not do that making the little money that you do" It really hurt me b/c he could have told me that I would have had to have gotten a f/t before I came there and I maybe would not have came.But the bank that i was at had an opening and I am now a fulltime teller.They dont have much business so I am very bored there, but my manager lets me do homework to pass the time.He has began telling me recently that I need to get a better job that keeps me busy or that stimulates me.I asked him what he could suggest and he says, "maybe data entry". That made me sooo mad!!! I hate data entry! He thinks i should get a busier job even if I am paid less. B/c in his opinion he busts his a** and i sit on mine all day. And he is afording me to go to school and if I dont like it I need to go back to my trash family. He has also called me names like bi*ch and cun*. When I have asked him to curve his anger he does tells me not to cause arguments.I know people argue,and i told him that, but he says that if i cause unescessary arguments there might be a chance that he calls me names.I told him that if he does not stop that i am going to leave back to Ohio.He keeps saying that I should get another job and that will make him happy.Soemtimes after he calls me names he will ask for sex, and then gets mad if I dont want to.He wont apologise all the time for the name calling but thinks taht just because he is nice a couple hours later or the next day that I should accept that as an apology.I have made many threats but I have made arrangments to go finally go back home.Now he is acting like he can change.He recently stopped smoking pot for me and blames the anger on withdraws and says that he is trying to cahnge and that i need to lay off b/c he is going through withdraws, and says ''one thing at a time''. He is being so nice a sweet to me now but for the past couple of months I feel like I am not sexually attracted to him and that he will not change.But with him being so nice and understanding for the last couple of days I am confuse on if he really can change.When I told him 2 days ago taht I put in my 2 weeks he closed out the checking account and canceled my car insurance, but a few hours later he was being so nice and sweet.Saying he can change and that i need to give him time to prove it.He is now trying to quit smoking and drinking but I am just thinking that no matter what he will always think that he makes more than me and hold that against me in some way. I know that I sould leave but he has no family here and no friends and has even cried to me about that.I am so confused on what to do. Do i stay and look for another job to save the realtionship or should I go back home? I just dont want to go home to my mom and dad b/c they have their own issues and I cut all my friends off and mom and dad is all i have.Am I making a mistake? I am so confused.
posted by Nina (age 21) on 7/31/2008 @6:55:54 AM •
I'd dump his ass no offence he sounds like a complete jurk guys come and go but friend are suposto be forever
posted by mariah on 7/31/2008
do what u feel is best for u...
tell him tht if he doesnt start doing wut he says he wants tio do then tell him tht ur going back home until he relizes tht he needs to change.. i did tht with my boyfriend.. and it took him 2 or 3 weeks to relize wut hes loosing out on.. set him straight.. if u want a full time job then get one but start saving up.. get a bank account and save money so u can pay for ur own stuff u no.. dont ever let a guy make u feel lousy... but do wut u feel.. u may feel confused now but just sit and think about wut u want..
posted by LaNae (age 19) on 8/1/2008
Leave him!! He treats you like ****, and it's obvious he's one of those typical controlling abusive types. Never depend on a man, keep you job, save up money for your own place, and move away from him. Cut off all contact with him.
posted by Asha on 8/2/2008
I know I'm younger than you so you may think I'm ignorant, but I was in a relationship much worse than that for two years...The only good that came of it was I have a beautiful daughter. When I first got with my boyfriend, things were great...then it led to me having to cut off all my friends, and my family because he didn't like them. He became overwhelmingly controlling. And scarey. It eventually led to him shoving me around, which everntually led to being hit, which eventually landed me in the hospital getting stitches to put my face back together while I was 6 months pregnant. I can't count how many times he cried to me, apologizing, telling me he loved me, and he was sorry, and he'd never do it again. Your boyfriend Nina, he's insecure. And he needs you around to make himself feel better. He puts you down so that he can feel better than you, and make you feel inferior. If you enable him to treat you this way, if you let him control you, he's gunna think it's okay, and it will just continue to get worse. It could take years...but he will eventually get worse. Get out while you can. I know it's hard because you've been with him so long, and you feel like you don't know anything anymore, you don't know how to live without him, but listen to WILL learn how to be on your own again. You will be okay. You can not put up with his bullsh*t. You need to get out now, if you care about yourself. There comes a time where you have to put yourself first...that time is now. Trust me. Please...
posted by michelle (age 19) on 8/26/2008

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