relationship advice (post new situation)
"My husband's drinking"
Ok. I have been with my husband for 2 years and we have had MANY problems with his drinking. He has a violent temper and I am 99% of the time the one in the way. On several occasions he has put his hands on me and cursed me and basicly acted completely crazy. He has been promising me for the last 10 months that he is going to stop and now instead of getting drunk around me, he lies and takes off for hours at a time just to go drink so he doesn't mistreat me. Well, this poses another problem for me because he is neglecting his responsibilities at home. In my eyes instead of fixing the problem by stopping drinking, hes simply "fixing" the problem by stopping being home!! He sees nothing wrong with this. I love him with all my heart but our relationship is a hair away from ending if things don't change.
posted by Ashley (age 24) on 8/23/2008 @6:50:01 PM •
Sorry- I forgot to ask the question!! (that is how jittery i get about the subject)
I also forgot the mention he is a wonderful father, husband, and person when he is sober! And we have 2 children 4 years, 6 months!

What should I do!?!?!?
posted by Ashley (age 24) on 8/23/2008
Leave him.It doesnt have to be forever.Just to jump start him to stop.If he doesnt,he dont care about you.Its that simple.
posted by Leann on 8/31/2008

My first concern is whether or not the two or you have any children yet? If you don't, the only advice I can offer to you is that you leave him, if only temporarily. My father was an alchoholic like your husband - I apologize for the label if you haven't been able to admit it to yourself yet. There is no shame in being an addict, there is only shame if the person continues to use regardless of the pain they are inflicting on the ones that love them.

You may feel like you can somehow fix your husband, but only he can do that. You need to open up to someone such as a family member or close friend and gain some support so that you can get strong enough to make a decision. As rude as this statement will be - you are enabling him. Simply by remaining at his side throughout his abuse and neglect, you are inadvertantly telling him that his behavior is okay and that he can get away with it. I was an enabler for my father - driving him to and from the bar and sitting with him when all I wanted to do was scream at him. My mother eventually got the strength to leave him until he sobered up and got some help, and that's what it took for him to realize everything he could lose, and all that he already lost.

Until your husband starts seeing some hard consequences for his behavior, he probably will continue drinking. It will only get worse. Please take my advice and at least talk to someone you are close to. I've been to a few group meetings and learned A LOT. You should check out an Al-anon meeting in your area and get some advice from others who are going through the same thing as you.

Please keep this in mind- your husband is currently not the man you married. His addiction is controlling him. I don't want to make excuses for him, but it's true in my opinion. His addiction is telling him that what he is doing is okay, you need to help him realize that it isn't. Good luck.
posted by Tameka (age 19) on 9/5/2008
First of all, no matter what he is an alcoholic. He has a problem which a lot of alcoholics do not want to face. You must sit and have a serious talk with him and ask him to go for help or the relationship is over. you should not put up with any type abused from him that is not a healthy relationship. And what is worst is that even if you split it will take a long time for you to get rid off all of the nasty feeling he is putiimg emotionally on you. You may even carry all of these to your next relatioship and without knowing or unconciously you make have the next person pay for this bad relatioship. My main advice is to get out of the abusive relationship is not healthy. Think about your mental health that is so important. Take care and God Bless
posted by Lana on 9/7/2008

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