relationship advice (post new situation)
 
 
"how do I find myself again?"
 
I think I need to talk to a shrink. I donít have a clue who I am, what I need or even what I want. Simple tasks like deciding on what movie to watch seem incredibly difficult. I feel lost. Like my mind doesnít have any personal opinions or cares that matter. Telling myself to ďgive it time, my emotions will eventually come backĒ doesnít seem to settle my nerves anymore. Could I be emotionally dead?
Ten months ago, I cheated on my boyfriend of six years, whom I was living with at the time. I snuck around his back for two months until he caught me. I never realized how much he cared until that day. We were both at fault for our lack of communication in the relationship. But it was I who was stupid and pathetic enough to turn to another, instead of stepping up and verbalizing my feelings of neglect. I was completely blind to the ďplayerĒ I turned to too. Even though ALL the signs were there.
Needless to say he moved out and became my Ex boyfriend of six years. I tried to keep in touch but I found it hard to say anything remotely normal to someone Iíve hurt so badly. Stupidly I continued to see the smooth talking man I cheated with. It seemed better then being alone, although I knew I shouldnít.
For one, he was married. That should have been enough right then and there. His reasoning for being with me was they were on the verge of divorce since he caught his wife cheating with another. He wasnít happy until he found me and he loved me.
Second sign was that he had ALOT of rumors going around work. Most of which about him and other coworkers ďhooking upĒ. Whenever I asked him about it he just claimed that people naturally had it out for him and this is the first time he ever cheated. Me being the passive and positive thinking lady I usually am, I made myself believe every lie. That is until I found out I had an STD.
Now I was a virgin when I started dating my ex boyfriend at the age of 15. We did not have sex until I was a month shy of 18. I never doubted my boyfriends faithfulness the whole time we were dating. I was furious and confronted the guy I was still seeing behind his wife's back (the second man out of two I ever slept with) about my new found information. He went to the doctor and informed me that he did not have the STD. My doctor explained that I could have been carrying it for awhile without knowing since I showed no signs or symptoms. And when I told her about the guy I was with not having it, she continued on to explain that he could have gotten rid of it without knowing; by taking over the counter medication for simple things like colds and never even realized he had ever had it in the first place. I was confused and scared. I knew I had to call my ex and inform him that he should get checked. I never had sex with him while I was with this other man but what if I was wrong and he did cheat on me. What if I got the STD from him. I didnít want to think about it. I didnít want to chance putting him through any more pain. But when I called his cell I got a disconnected signal and found out he stopped his cell phone plan.
I found it hard and difficult to call his mothers house to see where he was. So I ended up texting his cousin asking where he was or how I could get ahold of him. I found out that he was living with his new girlfriend, out in the country with no phone. I didnít even know he had a new girlfriend. My mind went numb. I didnít even know what to think.
I decided to write him an email informing him that I had something very important that is in his own interests to hear. But since I wasnít sure how to get ahold of him, he needed to be the one to call me. He never did. Again I took the cowardly way out and never told him about it.
I stopped seeing the guy I cheated with and he stopped talking to me all together, claiming that I broke his heart. I canít help but feel he was the one that gave me the STD anyway. Any time I do think of him makes me feel sick knowing what I gave up falling for his lies just because it felt good to be desired.
I always knew I loved my Ex. And I still do. I miss his friendship and his entire family. I donít forgive myself for what I have done and feel like I donít deserve to see any of them. I dream of them a lot. Mostly of the dreams involve them yelling at me, one time even involved his uncle turning into a zombie and eating me alive.
I have come to the conclusion that he doesnít want me in his life at all and Iím trying hard to except that. Itís hard since we share many of the same friends. I also feel that I donít have the right to be sad since I was the reason for everything that happened.
Eight months after my Ex moved out I find myself dating a wonderful man. We have been dating for a little over a month now. But we hung out for about three months before actually dating. He is aware of everything that happened. I want to be open and honest with him. Iím finding it hard to tell him how I feel though. He claims I never let him know how much I like him or care about him. And informs me that I never talk to him anymore either. When he confronts me on these issues my mind freezes, completely goes blank and numb. Did I move on to quickly? I really really REALLY enjoy this guyís personality, presents, and actions. He treats me fantastically and I see the potential of more with him. My family adores him and they strongly voiced their dislikes for my ex. How do I get myself to open up to him when I canít even get myself to feel anything anymore? I donít want to lose him.
 
posted by ashley (age 22) on 10/5/2008 @10:37:47 PM •
 
First- Forgive yourself for what you did. The past is the past and it does not have to determine who you are in the future unless you, yourself let it. Second-Let go of your ex boyfriend. It's hard but just let go. You have to. Third-If you really like this guy, tell him what you just wrote down here. Tell him you like him but you're also working with dealing with your own struggles and if he's willing to stick around and help then he's a great guy. If not then it probably wouldn't have worked out anyways. Well that's all i got, i hope it helped. But the first step i think is the most important. You have to forgive yourself first before you can heal.
 
posted by traci (age 20) on 10/6/2008
 
You seem to be a very intelligent individual judging by the way you write. You're smart, the answer will come to you eventually. Like Traci said, you have to forgive yourself. But you could also be right and you may have moved on to quickly. I was with a man for 2 years and had a baby with him. When my daughter was 4 months old, I left him. The same day I met another man and we hit it off the moment our eyes met and were extremely close from that moment on...We hung out for a few weeks before jumping into a relationship because we both had just come out of relationships, mine being 2 years and his being 5 years. We dated for a little while and I realized I had rushed it, and I wasn't ready for another relationship, I told him this. I told him look, I really care about you and I really want this to work, but I need some time to figure myself and my life out. We still talked everyday and hung out all the time...and when we were together we acted as if we were in a relationship, kissing holding each other, even having sex...Eventually I realized...this guy cares about me so much..he's wait around forever for me...what am I waiting for, and in just one moment I realized he was perfect for me and we've been together ever since. My daughter is now one year old...You have a lot of issues that you yourself need to work out...I needed that time out of a relationship to figure out who I was, and to love myself again. You need to love yourself and feel good about yourself if you want to have a relationship that works. You need to let this guy know what's going on. I know it's hard to let someone in, but you need to let him know that it's hard for you to talk about how you feel, and it's hard for you to even identify your feelings at all, but that if there's one thing you do know, it's that you really do care for him and you want him around and want to make it work...if you tell him that, it may help you feel more free and more comfortable...and he may be able to help you also. You need to move foward with your life and get it back on track...talk to him...if he cares like he says he does, he'll understand and want to help you. And if he doesn't, then he didn't matter in the first place...good luck =)
 
posted by Michelle (age 19) on 10/8/2008
 


 
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