family advice (post new situation)
"she had an abortion"
I need some advice.

My wife and I have been married for 5 years now, we are both 35. We have been together since 1993. I just recently found out something about her that has caused some emotional problems for me. When I started dating her, I was under the impression, (she said so) that she was a virgin. I wouldn't care at all if she wasn't at that time, but she lied to me saying she was. The problem is that I just recently found out that a couple of months before we started dating she actually had an abortion.

Not only did she lie to me about me being her first, she never said anything about the abortion.. The question is should I tell her that I know about it. If I knew about the abortion, I probably wouldn't have married her, and we wouldn't have a 3 year old daughter.

Any advice?
thank you
posted by no name (age 37) on 12/1/2008 @9:25:36 AM •
How did you find out about the abortion? Just wondering since if that's something that happened before you met her then it would be kind of hard to find out unless you did some serious searching... or asked someone who knows her better.
But back to your question, if it is really bothering you to the point where you regret (or almost regret) your relations, then you must talk to her about it. It is only fair to her. It is safe to assume that if you are bothered by her past that your relationship with her will begin to suffer in one way or another. That is not healthy and best thing to do is to discuss this. You will not feel better or get over the fact unless you have a discussion with her and let her know how you feel about her decisions. It is also not fair to you that she lied, but what's done is done.
Please talk to her about this before your relationship begins to seriously suffer. This is especially important for your child because if anything happens to your relationship it will seriously affect her life. I am sure that you want the best for your child, and that would be for her parents to stay together. Not trying to jump to conclusions, but some people would end their relationship over this. Don't allow one incident to ruin your years of love and investment involved into this relationship.
If the discussion goes well, great. If not, then you may need to go further and talk to a professional about this. Regardless of what happens in the future talk to her about it first. It will be worth it.
posted by Kendra (age 22) on 12/2/2008
you wouldnt have married her because of having an abortion? yet you love(d) her?
sounds like the reason she didnt tell you about the abortion in the first place...
im guessing she didnt tell you about not being a virgin and the abortion herself???
how are you ever certain this 'source' you have is legit?
and if you cant just ask your wife calmly and adultly about this, then maybe you bot hshouldnt be married!!!
posted by Kayla (age 22) on 12/2/2008
My advice to you is let her know that you know what happend many years ago when you met im pretty sure she has a rational answer for why she did what she did. Talking and communicating is the best thing you can do when your in a relationship. Only talking will help you with any answer you may have like why, when and with who. Because if you dont talk later on theproblem that you are having will eventually become bigger and your going to expload in the wrong moment remember communication is the key to a good relationship
posted by Claudia (age 24) on 12/5/2008
Honestly, I think she was just protecting your feelings. People make mistakes, and the way she has been while being with you is all that should matter.
posted by Alissa on 12/13/2008
Talk too her about it, would you have married her if she had a baby with someone else? Maybe she had important reasons and if you love her you should understand 100%
posted by bre (age 20) on 12/21/2008
maybe you shouldnt be so quick to judge her. she probbaly had good reasons for not telling you. and what she did in her life b4 u is her life and if ud seriously consider divorce for what she did u dont love her.
posted by trish (age 28) on 12/27/2008
He may be hard for her to tell you that she had an abortion. Do you know for a fact that she had one. Being in a realtionship to need to feel free to talk about anything. so talk to her.
posted by mary (age 21) on 1/21/2009

  [ disclaimer ] [ sign in ] [ contact us ] [ search ]
please take reasonable measures to protect your safety and privacy when posting situations or advice or participating in an exchange. read more... © word of advice, & powered by simplifyit. site map.