life advice (post new situation)
"What I want or what's right?"
well i moved back in with my husband who wont sign the divorce papers cuz he wants to adopt my oldest daughter. i dont mind but my family has torn apart my current relationship with a man im truly in love with and now im close to delivering his baby. my husband doesnt want me living here with a newborn which i dont blame him. should i move my current bf/baby father to the new state and focus on raising my family with the one i love or should i obey my family and give my new arrival up for adoption and forget about my relationship with my man and new baby? my family has been against him since day one becuz he is 40 and im 23 but to us age is nothing but a number. my husband is willing to live in the same city as my baby father and wants to help me move him here . after the adoption of my oldest daughter is final with my husband he will then sign the papers! so my question is should i obey my family and disregard my man and give up his baby or should i go with my husband and move him here so he can celebrate the new life we created to focus on our new family?
posted by Melissa on 5/19/2009 @11:14:39 AM •
wow...first, you have to think about the future. for a minute, think past the right now...think about 10 or so years down the road. do you want to have a little boy or girl out there somewhere in a loving family, who wants them? or would the thought of knowing your little one wouldn't be yours be too much to handle? also, think about the kids you have it fair to uproot them from a father who (seemingly, just from your story here) loves them and change their lives forever? also, why do you not want this man to adopt your oldest daughter? does he not care for her? wouldn't it be best to have some sort of solid father figure in her life? also, think about this - the guy who you love so much allowed you to cheat on your husband. who's to say he won't cheat on you later down the road? i know that you love him, but you just need to clear your head and think of the consequences of both choices - staying or leaving. what would they mean to your kids?

truthfully, i know someone who was in a situation kinda similar to yours...and the best advice i heard given to him (he was the one married with kids...) was this - do what hurts the least people. kids are innocent and don't deserve to have their lives turned upside down just because their parents choose to move on to someone else.

i know it's gonna be tough either way, but please think of your kids. they're helpless and only you decide to make their lives wonderful and happy or inconsistant and miserable.
posted by mimi (age 23) on 5/20/2009
Hi Melissa,
You have a lot of decisions to make in the next little while. I think that only you can make the choices that are right for you and your kids. Don't let your family make these tough choices for you. I guess I would start by asking some tough questions. Why are you living with your ex? Why does he want to adopt your daughter? Why are you and your ex responsible for moving your new boyfriend? He is 40 years old. Shouldn't he be more independant and self sufficiant? Is he going to be able to help you support this new child that you are bringing into the world? Age is just a number but you have to factor in a lot of other things like maturity. In ten years you will be 33 and he will be 50. You will want to get out there enjoy life and chances are he will be looking forward to relaxing and retirering.

I was 16 when I had my daughter. My family asked me to give her up for adoption. That wasn't something I could do. She is 16 now and the most amazing person I have ever met. I knew then I would never regret keeping her but that I would always regret giving her up. You have to make that choice for you. You can't let anyone else make that choice. My family also never stops telling me how wonderful of a mother I am and how proud they are that I have raised such an amazing person.

Remember to try and look forward instead of being in the moment. Only you can make the right choice. We all have to live with our mistakes. Follow your heart. Be strong. Good luck!!!
posted by Reta on 7/15/2009

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